Rave - Nov. 20th

Weekend in NYC

The weekend of the the 11th, I spent an amazing weekend in the Big Apple with friends, C & N. 

It was such a quintessential New York weekend. Amazing fall weather, lots of walks in Central Park. Great restaurants and time with friends. No shopping, but only because I wasn’t sure how I’d get everything home if I started shopping. And also because large shopping crowds give me slight anxiety. (I once had to put my head between my knees in a Schottenstein store because of the number of kids running around. No joke.)

If I had to pick out the day that summed up the city, it would be Saturday. Don’t get me wrong, Friday night was amazing. Dinner at Buddakan, then drinks in the Meatpacking District. C, N, and myself on the town. 

Now, Saturday. Brunch at Blue Water Grill off Union Square. Walk through the the Union Square green market. Stop at Fishs Eddy to look at dishes. Back to the Upper East Side for a recoup nap. Dinner at the Odeon in Tribeca. Amazing drinks and prime steaks. Celebrity sighting at the restaurant. Two if we’re keeping count…which we are (Cyndi Lauper and Wanda Sykes!!) Nonchalant acknowledgment of said celebs. Casual stroll through the Financial District and past OWS in Zuccotti Park. Late night ride on the 5 train in which an attack occurred in the next car. SUCH A NEW YORK DAY.

Rant - Nov. 20

Flying Delta Airlines

Never again. Delta is #theworst. I happened upon a great rate to NYC and figured I’d take a chance. Normally I’m an American Airlines or United flyer, but thought, “Oh, this Delta flight is a bit less expensive. Why not?”

I’ll tell you why not. Flying Delta is what you do when you want to experience travel hell. Flying out of O’Hare, the Delta area is smaller and therefore more crowded. Then once you make it into the terminal to find your flight, NONE of the departure screens show Delta flights. (And when you’re trying to make a flight and can’t find your gate, this doesn’t exactly fill you with the happys.) I ended up walking around the terminal even after asking at information. Finally found it, but it was in this unmarked gate in East Boo-Foo. Color me flustered.

Now the flight back. Equally awful. When you fly Delta out of LaGuardia, get ready for full-fledged specialness. Your cab driver will drop you off at the Delta Terminal which is fine and dandy….unless you are going to O’Hare, Logan, or Reagan airports. In this case, you’ll walk into the terminal, a Delta employee will ask for your boarding pass, then tell you your flight is in a different terminal altogether.  

The only upside to this shuttle business is since only 13 people can fit into the van, you’re only going through security in waves of thirteen. So you end up making it through in about five minutes. Otherwise, it’s a bust. 

—-

DICTIONARY TIME!!!

East Boo-Foo: A place so far from civilization, you’ve almost forgotten how to recognize clean water and a legal system. 

Rave - Oct. 31st

This Halloween

Great Halloween. The Brown Elephant costume party was a success. The whole group of guys were First Ladies. I was Barbara Bush. (And let me tell you, Babs ain’t never looked so good.)

Rant - Oct. 31st

This Halloween

No rant. I WAS BARBARA FREAKIN’ BUSH. As Bush 1 would say, “A thousand points of light!”

Rave - Oct. 29th

Halloween

I think Halloween is an early Christmas gift. Without fail, the most amazing things happen when adults put on costumes. It’s like a performance of As You Like It and everyone is playing Rosalind. Once people put on a costume, they get to tap into the “true self” without feeling judged. “All the world’s a stage” indeed.

This year, I’m not sure what I am going to be. I’m attending a combination birthday and Halloween party where we have to pick our costumes from clothing at the Brown Elephant shop on Halsted. Lord only knows how I’ll end up.

Rant - Oct. 29th

Halloween costume selection

Every year I say this and I mean it every year. Must women be relegated to “sexy [insert traditionally unsexy noun]” costumes? I don’t get it. The feminist in me is over it. It’s equal parts objectification and gender subjugation mixed with commercialism and a lack of creativity. The practical person in me (i.e. the Dad) thinks of how cold you must be, since your chi chis and nalgas are peeking out. Stop showing ya charms, girl!

Plus, I may be alone in this opinion but I think a creative costume, be it funny or topical or even homemade, is much more fun. When I was a kid, everyone had a costume made by their mother. Sometimes it was made-from-scratch, sometimes it was made from dress up clothes. But it was better than any off the rack costume. We all kind of felt bad for the kids who had the weird, store-bought costume. But now, the default costume is from one of the storefront Halloween shops. Ugh, why would I spend $64.99 for something I’m going to wear for one day? Nothanksimgood.

DICTIONARY TIME!!!!

chi chis – noun. Spanish slang for a woman’s chest

nalgas – noun. Spanish slang for the derriere.

Rave - June 23rd

PRIDE WEEKEND

Oh yes, it’s that time again. The time when national supplies of glitter and flavored vodka run dangerously low. The time when the fringe (read: absolutely crazy) churches blow their budgets on trips to modern day Sodom (read: any city with a gay population.) The time when the UNST UNST UNST rings out clearly, beckoning all to it’s enveloping sounds.

Yes, my dears, Pride Weekend is here!

This year I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I’ve run every errand I could possibly need to run. Suitable clothing (read: flattering) has been chosen. And I have nothing to do this weekend beside get my gay on. Please note: “get my gay on” is not a euphemism. It’s just something e’ery gay man knows how to do.

Things I’m looking forward to this weekend:

1. Sun – the weather is supposed to be gorgeous. For some reason, knock on wood, we always seem to have clear weather on Pride weekend.
2. People watching – oh child, this is it’s own reward. Pride brings out all kinds. You and your friends just have to walk down the street and you can see some sights that’ll make you stop and pull a, “Harpo, who dis woman?” Either that or a “What in the gay hell?!”
3. Remixes – pride weekend is when you hear nonstop remixes of popular songs. Ever heard Prince sing “Mary Had A Little Lamb” sampled with David Bowie and Tupac? Well, batten down the hatches, because it’s about to happen. Remixes are equally great and horrid.

DICTIONARY TIME!!

UNST UNST UNST – (noun) 1. house music common found in gay bars. Makes your ears ring, your pupils dilate, your back pop, and your booty twerk.

Harpo, who dis woman? – 1. used when you genuinely have no idea who someone is; as seen in The Color Purple and delivered by O-Prah. 

Rant - June 23th

PRIDE AFTERMATH

The worst part about the parade is the way the neighborhood looks afterward. Oh, it’s awful. The only one who would enjoy it is Templeton. (Cue Paul Lynde’s best song ever. Then cue me singing it all day.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZau57XQAhU

It’s like a fleet of garbage trucks exploded all over Boystown. There is trash EVERYWHERE. It’s usually worse on Halsted, since that’s the official starting point and therefore the touristy spot. For a good idea of how bad it gets, take a gander at this little photographic gem I took a couple years ago.

I’m not sure what’s worse – the overflowing trash can or the drunken little gutter animal SITTING SHIRTLESS IN THE TRASH. I can’t. It was too much then and it’s almost too much now. I can’t wait. 

Rave - May 13th

Free laundry

This might sound like a weird one, but last night it was a gift from [insert deity of your choice]. I woke up on Wednesday morning with a row of bug bites on my arm. They itched, pretty badly. Instead of reacting like a normal person and putting some hydrocortisone on my arm, I immediately assumed my apartment was infested with bed bugs. That’s right. I must have rolled over in my sleep and clicked on the “crazy” switch.  (Although in my defense, you can’t ride the CTA without seeing an ad proclaiming “BED BUGS ARE BACK” and trying to get you to buy a mattress cover. The power of advertising!)

Anyway, I freaked out and proceeded to tear my clean room apart in a matter of minutes. It was probably very Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest (“This room is filthy. YOU are filthy. We’re going to clean this togethahhhh!”) Cut to me stripping the bed sheets while frantically trying to Google “signs of bed bugs” and “how do you get bed bugs?”

Thank goodness for the free laundry in my building. Otherwise I’d have bankrupted myself trying to clean everything. You never really know how much clothing you have until you lose your connection to reality and wash all your clothes.

Later I realized they were mosquito bites. I allowed the crazy to run loose for nothing.

Rant - May 13th

Backhanded compliments

I just hate these. More hate than a little bit. I don’t like them for multiple reasons. First, you don’t really process it right away so you say thank you like an idiot.

Insulter: “Oh, you got a haircut. I like it! Much better than what you were doing before.”

Victim: “Thanks! I got it done last night.”

Five seconds later, you realize you’ve been given a nametag which reads Hello, My Name Is Usually Beat All Over with the Ugly Stick.

Second, it comes off as either passive aggressive behavior or calculated offense, both of which I abhor. At the very least, it’s thoughtless.

Third, by the time I realize someone just put a hurting on my face, it’s too late to call them out for the comment. I’m left thinking up these brilliant comebacks in the event I find a time machine and can return to the moment. 

Rave - April 7th

One of my favorite people is in town for a conference and I got to see her last night. After getting over the fact that it has been almost three years since I’ve seen her smiling face, we frolicked. Jenni and I lived together with another friend, Katie, during my senior year at Miami. (Love and Honor!) I could not have asked for better roommates.

She’s in town for a week-long audiology conference and we decided to get together for some much needed reminiscing. Met her at Lou Malnati’s on Wells where she got her first taste of Chicago deep dish and Goose Island’s flagship, 312. She’s a fan of both.

We talked about what’s happening in both our lives, updated on mutual friends, discussed her current relationship and my voluntary hiatus from the menfolk. After we had narfed up the pizza, I walked her back to her hotel and we opted for a quick drink at the hotel bar. We did even more reminiscing over a round and a shared dessert of bread pudding. (Don’t make a face, this place has amazing bread pudding. Don’t believe me? Ask the free weights I’m going to lift to work it off.)

All in all, I’m so glad I got to see her while she was here!

Rant - April 7th

The dumb law students on the Red Line

Oh Lawdy Lawd. This one was alternately a rave and a rant. I was a bit torn on where to put this one. Got on the train around 10:30 after meeting up with Jenni. Now e’erybody knows that the Red Line at night is just as likely to be a complete caca show as the most boring quiet ride ever. This was meant to be a show of caca!

These two girls are sitting near the doors and making the most damn noise. Scratch that – one of them was shouting the f*ck out of her drunk friend. From what I could immediately hear, the Queen Bee was annoyed that the Drunken Drone wasn’t applying herself at law school. Wouldn’t talk to their professor. Was intimidated by him. Wasn’t focusing enough. Wasn’t working hard enough. Blah blah freaking blah. (And when I say shouting, old girl was yelling so loudly, the roar of the train quieted down to let her have her say.)

Naturally, I turned in my chair to watch. Everyone else around me was watching; so why can’t I? It was amusing. The spark which lit the fuse was when she hollered “I don’t give a f*ck about your mock trial meetings!!!” I let a quick pffft slip out of my mouth. Queen Bee wasn’t having that.

“Excuse me, do you have a problem? Can I help you with something?”

At first I eased into the exchange (“Me? I do have a bit of a problem. You’re being very loud and it’s disruptive.”) I’m speaking in normal tones. She’s still in outside voice. Turned to yelling at me about how I’m an a-hole. How she’s allowed to be loud because this is public space. Even Drunken Drone is trying to get a little smart, only she’s yelling at my seat instead of me. Then Queen Bee says she’s had a hard day in law school and “we law students are under a lot of stress.”

Oh. No. Hold my reusable grocery bag. Turning from Sidney Poitier to Samuel L. Jackson in three…two…one.

Told her: 

• I didn’t give a hot burp for her stress level – everyone on this train has had a long day.
• I didn’t care how public the space was, she didn’t have a right to shout at the top of her lungs. 
• She was the type of pampered law student who gave law students a bad name because she assumed she worked harder, was smarter, and was more important than everyone else.
• I’m sure there were other points, but I can’t even remember. I do remember telling the Drone she smelled like a cleanup in the liquor aisle.

I may or may not have also inserted some colorful nouns and adjectives into the mix. I also will admit to saying the word “boo” a lot. As in, “No boo boo. You better watch yourself, because I’m NOT THE ONE. This is not your night, boo.”

At the end of the ride, the conversation was hijacked by an old pepaw who was just waiting to jump in. With that, I told these gentle ladies to have a wonderful night. He told them they were rude little caca heads (and we both know he didn’t say “caca”)

Rave - April 4th

The Purple Pig

So I didn’t go to this culinary gem last night, but for my belated birthday dinner with friends Shannon, Matt, and Ryan. Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jebus. Where has this place been all my life?

The whole concept is “nose to tail” pork cooking. I am so on board with this place. Ah-mazing. We went on a Saturday night at around 7:15 and waited for maybe 40 minutes. Not bad for a Saturday night in Chicago.

Anyway, this place is so good I can barely stand it. Flavor combinations you wouldn’t believe. Examples? Fried pig ear with crispy kale and fried egg. Pork fat roasted almonds. Milk braised pork shoulder with fingerling potatoes. Pickled beet salad with goat cheese and pistachio vinaigrette. Nutella, marshmellow fluff, and banana panini.

NOM NOM NOM. GIVE ME MOAR FOOD.

Plus, it’s not crazy expensive. Four people, six apps, four entrees, four desserts, and a round of drinks clocked in quite affordably. (I won’t name an exact figure because my parents raised me correctly. That’s just good manners, y’all.)

I need to go back for lunch ASAP.